


Voldemort Goes On MTV's Catfish

by RocketQueen14



Category: Catfish: The TV Show, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dudley's Piss Jar, F/M, I actually hate Catfish, Kinda dumb show, Love me some Death Eaters, MUM GET ME TENDIES, Still a guilty pleasure, Villain characters are my children
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 19:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16125392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RocketQueen14/pseuds/RocketQueen14
Summary: Voldemort is keeping a secret muggle girlfriend from the other Death Eaters, but fears she is a catfish! Calling on the Catfish crew to help him, Voldemort goes on a wild ride.





	Voldemort Goes On MTV's Catfish

  The dark lord, Voldemort, aka Mr. Mort was inside of his secret halfblood room, pacing nervously. His secret laptop was glaring at him from the bed; the message on it haunting him to no end. 

   He had a secret girlfriend named Miranda that he had kept a secret from his Death Eater clan. He just knew that they wouldn't understand his love for this muggle. She had even supported his idea for a pure blooded utopia. She was so curious about the Wizarding World, and Voldemort just wanted to show her all of it.

   However there was trouble in paradise- he believed Miranda was  a catfish. The feeling didn't start to surface until a couple of weeks ago. Miranda would never want to voice chat with him, and that made Voldemort rather forlorn. Voldemort said that he would not judge her if she had a shitty accent, but Miranda still said no to him.

   He also only got one picture of her and that was it. She was a rather petite woman with long black hair and fair white skin. Her green Slytherin like eyes shone the most throughout the picture, which made Voldemort feel funny in his genitals. He wouldn't know what that was though, since Hogwarts never had a sex ed class. 

   Voldemort couldn't hide his suspicions that she was a catfish, so he asked online what he could do. He was suggested to call into MTV's Catfish for help and that's what he did yes siree he called 1-800-CAT-FISH and got Nev and Max's help.

   While Voldemort was waiting for them to arrive inside of his house, Nev, Max, and the camera crew slowly drove their car over the rickety bridge that lead to Voldemort's house.

   "Wow, Mr. Mort sure has a big house," Nev said.

   "Yes, he does," Max said. "Almost as big as your MOM."

   Nev cried. "It is 2018 and you are still shaming women. Women suffer each and everyday and here you are, being a little bitch. I cannot believe that it is the [current year] and we are not treating women like the queens they are. You're sick Max. How would your mother feel about your actions? I cannot believe I am associated with you."

   "Shut up that's gay shit," Max said. "Camera crew cut out what Nev said because that's gay."

   And they did.

   The van slowly came to a stop and Nev and Max stepped out to look at Mr. Mort's house. It was a tiny little thing, and practically falling apart.

   "Damn the guy's poor," Nev said.

   "Still has Wifi tho."

   "You can be poor and still have Wifi Max good GOD."

   They came to the door and rang the doorbell. It sounded like Hedwig's theme but it wasn't because Voldemort is Voldemort and not a Harry and it would be weird if Voldemort was a Harry instead of a Voldemort because that would mean Voldemort would have to fight a Voldemort and not a Harry and that did not make sense.

   In the house, Voldemort's 1/7th of a soul practically leapt out of his body. With shaking hands, he opened the door. "Hello, is this MTV's Catfish?"

   "Yes this is MTV'S Catfish I am Nev and this is Max we are not a couple and we are going to help you with your goth gf," Nev said as he shook his hand.

   "What is Nev short for?" Voldemort asked.

   "I would say Neville but I fear that crazy bitch would kill me so I am going to sat Never," Nev said.

   "Good idea. Come in."

   Nev, Max, and the camera crew went into the house. It smelt like shit since Voldemort is an eighty year old man who is practically a rotting corpse. Voldemort brought his laptop over and set it down in front of them.

   "We met on  [ https://www.farmersonly.com/  ](https://www.farmersonly.com/) ," Voldemort said.

   "But...you're not a farmer," Max stated.

   "I actually harvest grapes and only grapes in my spare time. It makes me feel like Thanos because Thanos was a farmer in the comics and he is purple and grapes are purple."

   Nev nodded. "Rad shit, my man. Go on."

   "She is beautiful and cute and I want to show her the Wizarding World- oh shit are those cameraman recording? Cut that shit about the Wizarding World out-"

   "Sure my dude," Max said.

   "-Thanks. Well anyways I wanted to show her the Wizarding OH DAMN I DID IT AGAIN."

   "We can edit this multiple times, you're gucci," Nev said.

   Voldemort sighed in relief. "Okay cool and good. Anyways I met her last year and we were in love. We were like Harry and Cho except Harry isn't a little bitch and Cho actually stops crying for five minutes. So what your boyfriend died boo hoo Cedric wasn't even an interesting character. So we were in love and we would text in Death Eater meetings and a lot of people were wondering what I was doing staring at my crotch instead of paying attention so please don't tell them I was texting my gf."

   "We will start our investigation Mr. Volde no worries," Nev said.

   Voldemort sighed. "Thank you I just love her sooooooOOOOOOoooOOOO much."

   And their search will be in chapter two.

 


End file.
